Sometimes I Wished I Wasn't a Witch
by RedHeadedWoman91
Summary: Sometimes I wished I wasn't a witch" Lily reflects on everything she had and lost and why she sometimes wished that she had never been a witch. Lily's POV.


What I wouldn't give to hold onto my boy one more time. What I wouldn't give to have him in my arms again. What I wouldn't give to see my husband again. What I wouldn't give to be alive again.

I lived my whole life hoping that I would get to live to a ripe old age. I hoped that I would outlive my friends. I know that sounds a bit odd. But I loved them too much to cause them that kind of pain. I wanted to live longer than all of them simply so that only I would feel grief over their deaths. But he took me away from them long before I had even lived. He forced me to leave them behind and I will never forgive him for that. I hope that before he is destroyed he will know what it is like to feel deep and unending pain. I hope that he suffers before the end.

When I was eleven I thought that I had my whole life ahead of me. But I was so wrong. I was a happy child. I got along with my parents and sister. Or I did get along with my sister until I got the letter. I didn't have many friends but I didn't mind so much. I had petunia and Severus. Though neither of those "friendships" would last much longer. As soon as I got the letter petunia stopped loving me. I was no longer her sister. I was a mere inconvenience to her. I was simply living in the same house as her for three months out of the year. And maybe Easter and Christmas holidays. I, however, continued to love her and I always will. Despite what she is doing to my son. Petunia and I always used to get a long. We were friends and I hated it when our friendship ended. I wish now more than ever that we had been closer. I wish that we had been close enough that my being a witch didn't matter. But it did. Sometimes I wished that I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

My only other friend before Hogwarts was Severus. Even to me Sev was a bit of an oddity. But he was the first magical person I ever knew and in a small way I loved him. But I loved him as a friend and nothing more. I defended him against James and Sirius believing in him and him alone. I did it right up until he broke my heart and called me "Mudblood". Countless Slytherins had called me that before but it only ever hurt me when he said it. Sev was my best friend for six years. And our friendship came to an end because of one word. I know that sound silly but it's the truth. One word cost me a great friendship. But I hated that word when it came out his mouth. No one else's. Sev turned his back on me and not just that one time. Even after I was dead he betrayed me by mistreating my boy. I had once asked him if he would ever hurt me or any one I loved and he said no. He hurt me, my son, my husband and my friends. Sometimes I wished I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

Once I was sorted into Gryffindor I met Remus Lupin. I admit that when I first met I Remus I had a crush on him. But it didn't last long. When I discovered that he was a werewolf it honestly didn't make any difference to me. It simply made me admire him a little because he found a way to continue living. I always admired Remus' intelligence, common sense, and self-reliability. He became my best friend and I will always love him for everything he did for me. I pitied him but I admired him. I felt sorry for him because of this awful thing that was done to him. But sometimes he annoyed me when he felt as though he was a lesser human being because of his 'furry little condition'. It annoyed me to no end and he knew it. Remus was always a good friend to me and he became a good friend to my son as well. I will forever love him for everything that he has done for my boy. Sometimes I wished that I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

Alice was my first female friend at Hogwarts. She was a smart and beautiful girl who suffered a fate worse than death. She was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I was always thankful for her friendship. When she started dating Frank Longbottom I was the only one at school who thought that it was a match made in heaven. They were opposites but they loved each other. Alice always knew what to say to someone when they were upset and her advice was infallible. When I began to actually like the big-headed prat she didn't say that I was a fool like everyone else. Instead she told me it was about bloody time. She never ceased to amaze me. The fate that befell her and the lovely frank was... terrifying. I pity her boy, Neville, but I'm glad that Harry befriended him. My son helped al's son to come out of his shell. I'm just sorry that I'm not there to heal frank and Alice. Because I know that I can. Sometimes I wished that I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

I had never actually liked peter but I respected that the boys did. I always found him to be creepy. I used to catch him staring at me when James wasn't looking. I recognised the look in his eyes. It was complete and total lust. He wanted me and I knew that he resented James for getting me. Once I realised that he wanted me I kept away from him as much as I could. The last time I talked to him was Harry's first birthday. They all came over and I talked to him in the kitchen. I heard him say something to himself. It took me while but I finally worked out what he said: "you would've been better off with me". I now wonder if it was my fault that he turned. When I told James what he had said, he laughed it off, saying that he was probably thinking about someone else. I doubted it. When Voldemort came to our house that night I knew that should've talked James out of making him secret keeper. I had tried but I failed. I failed my boys. Sometimes I wished that I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

The only Gryffindor girl that I didn't get along with was Marlene McKinnon. She was a smart girl but she was very blunt. She told people exactly what she thought and although I have nothing against that, she did it in a way that made people hate her. And after a while I began to hate her as well. She wasn't always a bad person. She used to be a lovely girl but after our third year she became a bitch. In third year she got pregnant and lost the baby. She had trusted her boyfriend to use protection but he had lied to her. We had all felt sympathy for her but after she lost the baby she got another boyfriend. After that I lost all sympathy for her. Her death shocked me to the core. When I learnt that she had been tortured to death along with her whole family I gave up. I didn't want to fight anymore. Voldemort couldn't use my family against me but he could use my friends and husband against me. I didn't want that to happen but James convinced me that giving up wasn't the answer. Sometimes I wished I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

When I first met Sirius black I thought that he was a prick whose goal in life was to sleep with as many girls as possible. The latter was true for a very long time. Once I got to know Sirius, or snuffles as I nicknamed him, I learnt that he was one of the nicest people. Sirius was one of those people who you could get along with easily. He didn't trust people easily but once you gained his trust, it didn't take much to lose it. Sirius became a brother to me and I had no issues in making him Harry's godfather. I knew that he would do anything for Harry. I'm sorry for the fate that befell him. He didn't deserve it. Anyone he really knew him knew that Sirius would have rather died than betray James and me. Sirius' biggest fear was that a family member would be the cause of the deaths of his friends and himself. In the end his biggest fear became a reality. His cousin caused his death. I'm sorry that Sirius didn't get to spend as much time with Harry as he did with us. Sometimes I wished that I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

I had always believed that James was an idiot. I still believe that. When he first asked me out I thought that it was just another prank that he and Sirius were pulling. He hadn't to ask me it had just slipped out. And I had yelled at him for it. And I kept yelling at him for it for just under two years. I always believed that he was an arrogant prat who liked to curse people for no particular reason. But I was so wrong. When he became head boy I actually complained to Dumbledore telling him that he had made a terrible mistake. He ignored my complaints and told me to do my job and be civil. The problem was that I didn't believe that James could be civil. After a few weeks of working together I realised that I was so wrong about him. I realised that James was capable of feeling and of being human. I realised that James was the right guy for me. And when Remus and Sirius convinced James to ask me out again I had no hesitation in saying yes. James actually fainted when I answered him. When he proposed I, again, had no hesitation in saying yes. I had harbored a secret crush on him for years. So secret that I didn't even admit it to myself. But I never regretted saying yes to him and I never will. He became my driving force and pulled me through the deaths of my parents and so many of our friends. Just as I pulled him through the deaths of his parents. James was my soul mate and I would have done anything for him. And on many occasions I did. I took curses for him, literal beatings and not to mention I almost died to protect him. And he did all the exact same things for me. I have always and will always love James with all my heart and soul. Every time that I fought with James I told him that I would rather date the giant squid but I never meant it. I knew that whenever I insulted him, I hurt him. He never showed it because he was too proud too. Sirius and Remus, however, knew. Remus told me at the end of sixth year that I hurt him more than I suspected. I remember feeling terrible for the pain that I caused him. All summer I couldn't stop thinking about it. I regretted it and hated myself for hurting him so often and so badly. On our six-month anniversary I told him that I was sorry for hurting him. He had smiled and said 'I'm sorry that I hurt you as well." two days later I told him I loved him. After that I told him everyday and he said it straight back and meant it every time. We had our bad times but we always got through it. On the night that Voldemort came to our house, James told me to take Harry and run. I kissed one last time and whispered "I love you". But I didn't run. I would never leave him. I would die at the same time as him or first. As it was I died a few minutes after he did. I only regret leaving Harry behind. But my sacrifice saved his life on more than one occasion. I will never stop loving my four boys. Sometimes I wished I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things.

Since my death almost eighteen years ago, I have watched as those I loved grew up and moved on. I watched my son suffer at the hands of my sister and her husband. I watched Sirius rot in Azkaban. I watched Remus spiral back into self-pity and self-hate. I watched Alice being tortured and then rotting in St. Mungo's. I watched all those I loved live. I watched my son suffer and fight. I watched Sirius die. I watched Remus die. I watched my son die and then kill Voldemort. When Voldemort fell I was so proud of Harry. But I was so sorry that he was forced to do that. I now sit looking down on my son, my boy, my Harry and I smile sadly. It is the aftermath of his defeat of Voldemort and he sits alone after repairing his broken wand. He sits outside staring up at the half-moon, crying. He has lost his final link to James and me. When he saw Remus' body he knew that he would never hear of James' exploits or humour again. He knew that he would never hear of my intelligence or wit. He knew that he would never hear of us again. At least not from a close friend of ours. A tear ran down my cheek for everything that Harry had never experienced. James puts his hand on my shoulder. There's a party going on and I'm sitting alone, like my boy. I smile sadly at him. Although I was happy that James, Sirius and Remus were with us, not to mention many others, I was still sad. Simply because I couldn't give Harry a hug. As I watched him, Harry was joined by his best friends. They didn't say anything to him, they just sat with him. I was glad that Harry had found people who loved him for him and not because of what he had done.

I turned away from the image of Harry and rejoined my husband and my brothers. I wouldn't ever stop watching Harry until the day he joined us. And when that day comes I will embrace him until he gets sick of it. Sometimes I wished I wasn't a witch because of all the bad things. But now I don't. Now I'm glad that I was a witch. And I always will be.


End file.
